Sanders
The campaign trail is reportedly taking a toll on Bernie Sanders. The main thing that seems to be wearing him out is the extremely foreign concept of having to convince people to voluntarily hand over money.
“This just feels so wrong,” Sanders told staffers. “If you know you really have a good idea how to spend that money, you just take that money from people under threat of imprisonment. Having to convince people to voluntarily hand over money just feels too much like capitalism.”
Initially, to get people to give him money, Sanders would just grab people by the collar and shake them, yelling, “Give me your money!” When this didn’t work, Sanders had to change his tactics to a kinder, more sensitive approach, asking for donations. “The incentive of money made me change my behavior from what I wanted to do to what other people want,” Sanders said. “I feel so dirty!”
Reportedly, to calm down after a long day of having to convince people to voluntarily do things, Sanders likes to relax by playing with some stuffed animals he can control and make all the plans for.
Biden
Joe Biden's campaign is struggling to motivate younger voters, but he has a plan: offering free AOL trials to anyone who shows up at his rallies.
"Come on by, say hi to uncle Joe, and grab one of our free AOL CDs," Biden says in an ad for his campaign tour. "You know, the great thing about AOL is that you get so many hours of ionternet. Only squares use Compuserve, Prodigy, or MSN. We're keen on America Online!"
The campaign has warned that it's first come, first served, so you'd better hurry if you want to experience the lightning-fast speeds of AOL’s 56K dial-up service
"I love America Online," Biden continued as he booted up his Windows 98 PC. "Every time I hear that grinding, beeping sound while trying to get on the internet, I just know that I'm about to experience the world wide web at a rate of one web page per hour."
His wife then screamed at him to get off the computer as she was expecting a call. "Well, I'd better go," Biden said, chuckling. "But remember, for the fastest interwebs in town, come see Uncle Joe. You won't regret it -- probably."
Rally attendees will receive their choice of a CD or 3.5" floppy disk good for a free trial of AOL dial-up service. Joe will then say hi and shake their hands "and maybe more if you're lucky."
Bloomberg
We are proud to announce that we are placing all of our support behind Mike Bloomberg for president in the 2020 election. He’s the only candidate that can save our country and look cool while doing it!
Sure, he’ll hand out pallets of cash to anyone that so much as looks in his general direction, but we’re not influenced by that. We respect a man of his stature and frankly, all the other candidates come up short in comparison. Truly we couldn’t care less about him paying off our mortgages and buying us an Olympic-sized pool -- that’s just what pals like Ol’ Mike do.
We polled everyone on staff and they all said that they wanted a candidate they could look up to. Someone whose economic policies definitely wouldn’t end record-breaking employment tnumbers or cause our stocks to go down. And we are sick and tired of being able to defend ourselves and our families in this sick 2nd amendment-loving, free country. So that’s why we need Mike Bloomberg (May he live forever) to come and take all of our scary and evil guns away.
In fact, we used to think that Trump is cool because he had all that money, but whoa, were we wrong. Bloomberg has way more money than that peasant Donald Trump. And with that much money, he must be really smart and right about everything. He couldn’t possibly be that rich and wrong!
Again, we are in no way sponsored by Mike Bloomberg (May all his enemies crumble). But in other news, we are considering changing our name to the Bloomberg Bee. We just love him that much!
- Sent from the new Babylon Bee Private jet gifted from our pal Mike