Sanders and the New Hamshire poblem
While campaigning in New Hampshire, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was very confused when he saw the phrase “Live Free or Die” on a license plate. “What is that?” he demanded. When someone explained it was the state motto, he was even more confounded. “Both those options sound horrible!” he exclaimed.
“Living free is exactly what billionaires want,” Sanders told a crowd at a campaign stop. “That way they can accumulate as much money as they want. Think of living free -- everyone involved in peaceful voluntary exchange without government getting in the way -- it would be chaos! That’s exactly what my socialism is here to fix.”
The second part of the slogan Sanders found even more disturbing. “And is someone threatening to kill you if you don’t live free? Is it the billionaires? Are the billionaires holding you all hostage, and are they going to kill you if you don’t live free? Are you under duress? Blink twice if a billionaire is holding you hostage”.
Sanders stared at the crowd for a while. “I saw that guy blink and that woman blink, but I need one person to blink twice to confirm billionaires are threatening you to live free.” Bernie continued to stand silently, watching the crowd for blinks for the next ten minutes.
Liberal Hypocrisy
The climate crisis has been getting worse, despite liberal elites' best efforts to fly all over the country in their private jets lecturing everybody about it.
There seemed to be no end in sight until a new tech startup, Hypocri-Fuel, introduced a private jet that runs on liberal hypocrisy.
"We just hook this bad boy up to Leo DiCaprio, Al Gore, Justin Trudeau, or any other of the thousands of progressive elites who refuse to change their lifestyles to match their beliefs, and presto -- plenty of fuel to go around," said the startup's CEO, Gus Perder. "One fuel-up can power a jet for over a year."
Perder said he was trying to figure out what resource the earth has that's nearly limitless when it hit him: the hypocrisy of rich lefties. "There is so much liberal hypocrisy to go around that we never have to worry about running out," he said. "Fossil fuels may go away in a few hundred years, and people are scared of nuclear, but we have an inexhaustible supply of liberal hypocrisy."
And every time one of these liberal elites gives a condescending Oscar speech or goes on a world tour in their private jet to tell people how bad they are for flying commercial and not running around in a Flinstones car, they're just generating more energy to power these new airplanes.
"It's a win-win for everybody -- liberals can keep lecturing people and actually be useful, and the rest of us can go on ignoring them while the planet cools substantially”.
Adams Dream World
Democrats have reported that "everything is fine" and "nothing is wrong" and "there is nothing to see here" as we near the end of a week in which Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a mental breakdown, President Trump was acquitted, and the Democratic primaries collapsed into chaos all within a few days.
Nancy Pelosi said the Trump acquittal thing wasn't a big deal, because Democrats have learned an important lesson from the debacle: they need to impeach Trump harder. "We made a mistake in not putting more of our chips into impeachment," she said, as she practiced ripping up Trump's next State of the Union address. "We will put more into his second impeachment, and then things will be fine. Everything is fine. It's fine."
"There are no problems within the Democratic party," Adam Schiff said as his office collapsed in flames around him. "We have never been stronger. This is the end of Drumpf. The walls are closing in said as his office collapsed in flames around him. "We have never been stronger. This the beginning of the end. Game over."
"This is fine."