Game to pick the winner of the Masters?...

stick it right here...Mine...

Tiger

best of the Saffas, Charl Schwartzel

Well Denny having just picked the favourite, you leave us with the rest? But I'll accept your challenge. Putting on Augusta's sloped, 13 on the stint metre paced greens, is very different from popping them in on Florida's flat Bermuda greens. Tiger's putting stroke vanishes, while Ian Poulter, the best pressure putter on the planet, wins the green jacket.

Ernie and the Goose come 20th shooting the same score in every round. Ernie plays alternate days with short and belly putters....finally putting both in his bag for the weekend. Schwartzel makes the top 10, but is the players' favourite to win, so they can eat boerewors at the next champions dinner. Oosthuizen doesn't have a double eagle on number 2.

Rickie Fowler wears all khaki mimicking the uniform of Kim Jong-Il. Dustin Johnson hurts himself in a pick up game of basketball. Furyk is removed by the medics as he literally freezes over a putt. Rory isn't woken up and sleeps through the whole of Thursday....a helpful trooper rushes him to a press conference in time for the evening news. Simpson and Bradley boycott the tournament because of the prospective belly putter ban, nobody misses them. Stenson hits in the water on 15 and  strips totally naked this time to make the shot, he is banned for life by the Augusta National club.

Johnny Miller reminds us he is a former major champion, Nick Faldo cracks some off colour jokes none of his American audience gets. Arnie cries. Jack takes offence at something. Roberts puts together a piece on the game in the 18th century in Iceland. Gary Player shows us his biceps. None of the bird noises piped into the commentary come from indigenous birds.

The whole thing is a roaring success, but Bubba Watson can't award the green jacket as he was lost looking for a ball to the right of the 10th fairway.