Just adding a couple before the topic disappears!!
Hey Lunatic, your government has just announced it will start killing off all mentally challenged people as and from next month!! I shed a tear when I thought of you....Run my little retard, run, be free, save yourself !
Why did God give women orgasms..................So they could have a bloody good moan even when they are enjoing themselves!!,
Hey Lunatic, just a quick reminder that tomorrow is "Hug a Retard Day", so don't freak out like last year.....nobody is trying to hurt you !
A redhead and a blonde pass a flower shop ,the redhead spots her boyfriend buying flowers. She says "Oh shit, he always has expectations after buying me flowers. I don't feel like spending the the next week on my back with my legs in the air !" The blonde says......"Don't you have a vase ?"
A mate of mine caught his best friend shagging his wife! I asked him "what did you say to him ?"
" You bad, bad dog" was his reply.....
A black man finds a magic lamp and the genie grants him one wish . The man asks to be white and surrounded by pussy !.........So the genie turns him into a tampax ! .................Moral of the story : no matter what you wish for, there is always a string attached !
Lunatic isn't happy with me. he phoned and left his number for me to call him URGENTLY....So I did, and this is what I heard
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.!!!!!!!!
A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad". She replies " You've got a bigger dick than your brother !
I worked as a stand-up comedian in an old peoples home once..........none of them understood my jokes, but they still pissed themselves!
Two cowboys are talking about sex, one says "I like the rodeo position the best", "I havent heard of that one" says the other "what is it?". "Get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach around, cup each of her breasts and whisper 'These feel like your sister's, then try to hld on for 8 seconds!"
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, 'This is the ugly pig I have to shag when you're not up for sex'
His missus says, 'I think you'll find that is a sheep'
He replies, 'I was talking to the sheep!'
NIKE are making trainers for lesbians, they're calling them " NIKES FOR DYKES" You get 50% more tongue, and you can get them off with one finger !
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...
The wife's not speaking to me cos I wouldn't open the car door for her....hey its not my fault....I just panicked and swam to the surface !
Its everyman's dream :
Daughter on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of a Sports mag, your bit-on-the-side on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing Persons !
Liverpool F.C have made 2 new signings, a Japaneese and an Italian. New manager Brendan Rogers says they should fit in well with the local culture. Their names are Nikamota and Robatelli. !
A man approaches a young woman in a shopping arcade. 'Excuse me' he says, 'I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?'. The woman, feeling compassion, says 'Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife might be?'. 'I don't have a clue' he says, 'but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours she usually appears out of nowhere!!'.
When asked if I preferred legs or breasts I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for hairy fannies. He then informed me that this wasn't really an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket !
I was reading the paper today about this poor little dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so bloody low ?
Two catholic dear old nuns are driving down the motorway when out of nowhere a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car. It looks through the windscreen at them and drools.
The two nuns panic. One says,' Quick! Do something, show it your cross'
The other nun agrees and leans out of the window in a rage and shouts, ' Get the fuck off my car!'
Paddy got stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway. Police ask "where are you going ?" "I'm taking these horses to the races" replies Paddy. "But its empty ?" said the policeman. "I know" said Paddy..... "I'm taking the non-runners first !!!"
Driving to work this morning there was this woman behind me in a BMW doing 90 mph while putting on her eyeliner. I looked away then looked back again and she was halfway over the white-line. It scared me so much that I dropped my battery shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. trying to steer the car with my knees knocked the mobile phone from my ear which fell into the mug of coffee between my legs, which splashed and burnt my bollocks, causing me to scream and drop the fag out of my mouth which ruined my shirt....BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!
Driver stopped for speeding. Asked for his occupation he replies, Rectum Stretcher. What the fup is that ?asks the cop. Driver says , you put one finger in, then 2, then a hand, etc until its 6ft wide. Cop asks, what do you do with a 6ft arsehole? driver replies, give it a uniform and a fucking speed gun !!!!!
At question time the US president Obama was asked what he intended to do about defence. He replied " I'm going to paint it de same colour as de house "
Three businessmen, an Englishman, a Chinaman, and an Indian were staying in an African hotel. After lunch they decided to have a swim. Unfortunately the hotel pool was out of commission. So, foolishly , they wandered down to a nearby river, jumped in, straight into the jaws of three crocodiles.
Basking in the sun on a mud flat, digesting their meal, the crocs decided to compare notes. " I really enjoyed that Chinaman , " said one, "I got a delicious hint of chop suey as I swallowed him."
The croc who had eaten the Englishman responded. "That's interesting, I definitely got a flavour of roast beef as mine went down."
Both turned to the third croc. "How about you?" "My arse is on fire after that Indian."
Three students doing a psychiatry lesson. The first student was asked whats the opposite of joy, she said sorrow. The second student was asked whats the opposite of depression, he said happiness. Then paddy was asked whats the opposite of woe, he replied giddy up !
Just bought my epileptic mate a strobe-light for his birthday....he'll have a bloody fit when he sees it !
How about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, he cant sleep at for worrying about the existence of dogs
After nearly 20 yrs together my missus still gets upset if I use her toothbrush......Hey, if anyone knows a better way to get dog shit out of the sole of trainers, I'm all ears !
I'm off for a pint now !!!!!
