Sunday laugh.....enjoy

Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE RESPONSE Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor: THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" That's that technology for you, hey? Regards, Alan

 I will pay that !Aussie trucker picks up a woman at a bar " I must warn you I'm on my menstrual cycle  says she ." Dont worry Ill just chuck it on the trailer " says he .....

Ever the sensitive one WD....hahaha.

I enjoyed both of these

 Good one! x 2

Keep it going, guys.
Great to have a laugh with everything else happening around us.
Enjoyed both as well.

I get these things from the doctors....a seriously warped bunch of guys, but they know a good joke!

 You can't trust doctors especially those with a doctorate in math or related subjects. They seem to be able to tell a good joke tho (sic)

 Yeah I agree with you Dr Win...the naughtiest rascals around...casanovas par excellance'.

When I was young I had a diving mate who was an understudy to the late Chris Barnard...he used to do the heart transplants because Chris got arthritis. He was still studying but managed to scrape in time to dive for kreef, perlemoen and spearfish.

He was Russian,born in Kiev in Ukraine but his parents escaped to Argentine...he was a top student at Buenos Aires university and Barnard recruited him.

He was tall and handsome and attracted girls in the hospital like bees to honey...he used to set us up with drop dead beautifuls...at that time I rented a cottage on Third Beach Clifton...wicked times...Dimitri was married to a GP but a naughty man.

I'm not proud of those days...doctors can be immoral but it was in the bad old days before I became converted.

He is now in the Baptist Heart Clinic, I think Dallas in Texas and quite famous.

 I hear Dr Christian Barnaard was a bit of a player back in the day.Seb are you alluding to a dark past ? Crikey cant imagine.So this New York garbage collector is bangin and bangin on this door until this big black dude rips open the door standing there dripping sweat and dressed only in his undies ."Wheres you bin man???!!"I bin bonking ma ol' lady ,why where the hell you bin ?!"says the dude .My Nanna told me a version pretty much the same when I was a teenager ,cracked myself and the cuzzies up no end as it was totally unexpected .

My turn...

A newly married young man sits at his desk contemplating whether or not he should have his favorite food for lunch. He promised his wife that he would no longer eat beans because they have a terrible effect on him, but he just loves beans so much.

He decides to have just a small portion. A small portion turns into three sizeable helpings.

His work days ends and he gets into his car to drive home. By this point his flatulence is so severe that even he cant stand the smell and drives home with all his car windows down.

Upon arriving home he finds his wife standing at the front door. He is a little concerned when she hands him a blindfold and says "Here put this on, i have a big dinner surprise for you!"

He puts on the blindfold, she takes him by the hand and leads him to the dinner table where she pulls out a chair and helps him sit down.

"I'll be right back," she says as he hears he walk off to the kitchen.

The sound of plates and pots coming from the kitchen tell him that his wife is busy in there and he decides to get rid of some gas before she returns.

He farts, and farts again, and again and again. Using his placemat to frantically clear the air as he farts yet again. Worried that his wife might smell his farts he takes his wafting up a notch waving the placemat around manically above his head. He sniffs, wafts sniffs wafts...and then he hears his wife's footsteps approaching.

He puts the placemat back as best he can without being able to see and soon afterwards he hears her voice next to him...

"Are you ready for your surprise dear?" She says.

"I am indeed," he says.

She removes the blindfold and there in front of him...

...a group if dinner guests all seated at the table .

So what's his out? It could be something medical.....he has a life threatening disease with the unfortunate symptoms described and is trying his best to avoid worrying his wife. ... This is a Monty Python like challenge. Let's see how innovtive our posters are.

 An old 'un but a good un Mr Plum .I of course know a much ruder version where he ends up naked in the chair in a state of obvious excitement sans beans /farts .Mr Moz could of course say he is creating some sort of bean powered personal internal/infernal combustion engine that just needs to be connected to some form of transport .A flatulent Flathead for the Harley Davidson fans ? A Diabolical Desmo Duke for fans of the Ducati ? Bimota Bean Bike ? Gaseous Guzzi ? Farty Ferrari ?

Well I had a Bimota with a bad case of vapour lock....you could be onto something.

Lol...this is funny...ideal for you Mozart...save you money and will contribute towards the enviroment...a car that runs on flatulence...

https://youtu.be/vUKolh8Q9hA

 
I am shocked!!!!!!!!

Lara ???????

Haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!!

I enjoy a "lady" who let's "rip" with a few off colour jokes.

Nothing wrong with it.

Oh and by the way ... that was not really off colour.

My kind of lady is ... a whore in bed ... a wizard in the kitchen ... a lady in public ... and my best friend who can chat with me for hours after many years of marriage. 



 

 
Nah!! Not at all.

My woman doesn't have to be a beauty. She doesn't have to be slim and trim.

You can still be a lady in public with a little meat on your bones. Why not? Dress nicely with your hair all done up ... a touch of make-up and I'll be more than proud to be with you.

It's all in the way you carry yourself.

I am a fairly good cook but when it comes to the more complicated dishes I'd need a little help.

Whaaaaaaaaaat?? You're not Super Woman???

 
Love to meet you, Lara!!

You come across as a lady.

Wardad will probably have something to say about that ... but I'm willing to put up my dukes. 

Wonder Woman ... she's nice ... but ... she's no Lara!!!!!!!!

 Why would I have anything to say about that ? Cloudy and I have been friends  for more than a few years now  and she is quite able to fend for her magnificent self .So this young couple get married and like many sta rting out on that journey find themselves financially embarrassed .When the young wife brings up their lack of funds hubby airily waves it aside with 'dont worry we will live on love ,it shall be our meat and drink in these hard times !"Hubby returns home one day and to his horror finds his panty-less bride sitting  on the stove ."what are doing woman !" yells he " warming up your tea  replies she !

Two mates sitting at a pub when the one turns to his friend and says;"You know, I am so sick of my wife and her disgusting habits!""Why? What happened? Asks the friendHis mate replies "I came home late the other night and I wanted to have a p!ss in the kitchen sink...and the bloody thing was full of dirty dishes!!!"