Wit from the Newlands cricket ground

When I was a school kid it was a family tradition to go and watch cricket at Newlands on Boxing day. We always sat under the oaks in the far corner on the Kelvin Grove/railway side. On this particular day SA was playing England in a test and SA were batting. The 2 batsmen in were just blocking and runs were few, certainly no boundaries. It was defensive cricket...they had been in for a few hours and no wickets had fallen...The heat and slow game was making Castle Corner very restless...Ted Dexter, the English captain was fielding on the far boundary. Ted Dexter had entered politics in England and was a Conservative (Tory) candidate and prior to the tour the Labour party had won the elections with Harold Wilson becoming Prime Minister. Anyway Dexter was showing his frustration due to the discomfort of the heat and tedious batting. Every time a ball was bowled he walked in only in vain...the batsman blocking each ball with no runs...they had been in for a few hours with scant runs on the board. Each time Dexter walked back to the boundary position covered in perspiration he was shaking his head and muttering to himself. A spectator who obviously had been indulging in the Charles Glass brew suddenly stood up in the crowds and in a loud voice addressed Ted Dexter with the question:

"Dexter are you suffering from Labour pains?"

This broke the tension (even the dour Dexter burst into a huge smile) and the crowd roared with laughter.

Some of you, probably remember this one.

Dennis Lillee was bowling (cannot remember against who). His first ball caught the batsman plum LBW...the umpire declared NOT OUT, the next ball caught the batsman plum again...again the umpire declared NOT OUT, the third ball was bowled and took the middle stump...bales flying. Lillee turned to the umpire and exclaimed:

"That was bloody close, wasn't it!"

He was quite a showman and entertaining at times.

I went to see t cricket test between Australia and SA at Wanderers.  Barlow was bowling and Lawry was batting.   Barlow bowled and Lawry missed the ball.   Barlow bowled the next ball - and Lawry played and missed again.  Barlow walked up to Lawry and offered him his glasses.

Next Barlow bowled ball - Lawry clean bowled and he walked off in a bad temper - hated SA  for years afterwards. 

Ha ha Mike that's typical of ol' Bunter...how we loved his antics and what a damn fine cricketer and captain he was...incidentally he also played rugby for Transvaal...if I remember correctly, at centre before he became established in cricket.

Talking of Newlands...WP was playing Tvl there. Tvl were batting with both Clive Rice and Kourie making over 200 runs between them...Province were in dire straits.

The Cape Argus had headlines..."What's cooking Western Province? Followed by, "Kourie and Rice!"

Barry Richards was being paid a stipend per each run he scored and he was batting at Newlands. There used to be a lovely Cape Coloured guy that was well known to the players and the crowds that never missed a match...he was very entertaining and was known for his special type of humour, so typical of these special people.

Barry was batting and had run up a huge total...over the double century. He was clouting every ball for either a four with a few sixes thrown in.

This guy finally stood up in the crowds and bellowed:

"Hey, Barry...how about a loan?"

Another one so typical of Newlands...a spectator stood up in front of Castle Corner blocking the view of some spectators. The guy shouted out..."Hey you, does your father own a glass factory?"

The erring spectator turned around and answered..."Yes, but it's frosted glass!"

It was almost routine to go to Forries pub after a cricket or rugby game at Newlands in those days for a cold draught or 2. There used to be a waiter there, who always gave us good service and entertainment...I think his name was Abie. His 2 front teeth were missing. We were very fond of Abie.

Abie, always was rewarded by ordering an extra sherry which he preferred to a tip. He used to gulp it down quickly before the management saw him. He always had a joke or a poem he made up before he took his shot. One I remember well...He held his glass in his hand and recited...."From the head down to the toes,nobody knows where it goes,Over de teeths and through the gums,Watch out kidneys,here it comes" Then he quickly downed it.

In 1976 the 3rd rugby test against the AB's at Newlands was one of the most brutal ever...there were so many fouls...the referee was a disgrace turning a blind eye to scrum infringements, lifting in lineouts (not allowed then), dirty play by Moaner Van Heerden and Piston Van Wyk etc.etc. Sid Going the scrum half, quite brilliant at most times was not having his best game...he took Moaner on and gave him a klap...his penalty kicks at goal all failed (one was disallowed by the ref because the ball fell over 3 times).

At that time there was a popular song on the charts sung by the Poppy Family from British Columbia called, "Which way you're going Billy".

During one of these many fopahs a person stood up in the crowds and sang out in a booming but harmonious voice..."Which way you're Going Siddy"...this brought a huge roar of laughter from the spectators.

It was perhaps the only good thing to come out of the total disaster of a game.