These Kiwis! Hahahahahahahahaha

The shadowy figure in the back is Hansen.

Brown envelope in hand.

Plum its all cloak and daggers down under!

Three Aussies and three New Zealanders are traveling on a train together to a conference. At the station the 3 Kiwis bought a ticket each and watch as the three Aussies by just one ticket between the three of them.
"How are you going to travel on the train with just one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and Learn" answers one of the Aussies.
So they all board the train, the three Kiwis each take there seats but the three Aussies cram all cram into a toilet and close the door. The Kiwis think the Aussies are crazy, but shortly after the train has left the station the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket Please".
The door opens just a tiny crack and a single hand emerges holding the ticket. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Kiwies see this and think its a clever idea, so on the return trip after the conference the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies and only buy one ticket between the three of them. To there astonishment the Aussies dont buy any tickets!
"How are you going to travel on the train without a ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and Learn" answers one of the Aussies.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and the three Aussies cram into the toilet next door.
The train departs the station and shortly after one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and knocks on the door of the toilet the Kiwis are in and says "Ticket Please!" 

this aussie ventriloquist went to a kiwis farm and he says to him i can talk to animals. kiwi is like yeah wateva bro lol. the aussie sees a horse and starts up a conversation. how r ya horsy? he replys good mate. how does your owner treat u? very well. the kiwi is astonished. Bring us ova your dog asks the aussie. ok bro replies the kiwi.
the aussie asks the dog hows life? cudnt be happier says the dog. how does your owner treat u? excellent, takes me for walks everyday. the kiwi cudnt belive his eyes. Then the aussie asks the kiwi if he can talk to his sheep. NO NO that sheep is a liar

On a train travelling through switzerland there was an aussie, a kiwi, an old lady and a hot swedish chick all in the one booth. They went through a tunnel and all of a sudden they hear WACK, and when they come out of the tunnel they find that the kiwi has a red hand mark on his face.

The old lady is sitting there thinking "well he must have tried to grope the poor swedish girl and got a whack for his effort."
The swedish girl is thinking "He must have tried to grope me and got the old lady so she let him have it."
The kiwi is thinking "The aussie must have tried to grope the swedish chick and she hit me by mistake bro."
And the aussie is thinking "man I can't wait for another tunnel so I can hit the kiwi again.

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice". 

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice". 

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

Those Kiwis,

15 Tri Nations /RCs

15 Super Rugby titles

3 Rugby World Cups the only side to win back to back.

Its good to be those Kiwis .

So beandork a Kiwi and an Aussie are walking down the road when they spot a sheep with its head stuck in a fence .

Wish that was Taylor Swift says the Kiwi .

Nah wish that was Katy Perry says the Aussie .

Gee I wish it was dark says beandick.

What would you call beandip ,plumdork and CC standing on a hill?

A thicket .

I hear  that beandork isnt allowed longer  than half an hour lunch break or else they have to retrain him .Its why Plumdork only gets 15 minutes as beandorks new apprentice.

A Kiwi was sitting with and Aussie and an Indian in a bar in Saudi Arabia, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested all three of them! 
They were orriganlly sentenced to death but as it was National Holiday in Saudi Arabia the Sheikh decided they should be realesed after recieving 20 lashs of the whip!
As they were prepering for their punishment the Sheikh suddenly said, "Its my wifes birthday today and she asked me to allow you each one wish before your lashing".
So the Indian guy thought for a while and then said, "Please be tying a pillow to my back!". This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip broke through.
The Kiwi, watching the scene said, "Hey Bro, Please fix two pillows to my back!" but even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through!
Before the Aussie could say anything the Sheikh turned to him and said, "As you are from a popular country, your cricket team is the best, and you Prime Minister is very close with the USA, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, My Most Royal and Merciful mate!" the Aussie replies. "My first wish is that i would like to recieve 40 lashs!"
"If you so desire." the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, "and you second wish?"
"Tie the Kiwi to my back!" 

Did you hear about how New Zealand polititions are trying to pass legislation to increase the legal drinking age in NZ to 32 years old!
They are trying to keep alcohol out of the High Schools! 

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a New Zealand bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"
The big guy replies, "Well bro, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."
"The guy next to me is 1.95 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
"No" says the Aussie, "Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." 

I see you cant even make up or even repurpose  your own jokes beandick .

Notice how this Kiwi doesnt need to crap on saffas  or the boks ? No need when you 2 empty headed gits make such handy receptacles.

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here todiy to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis Jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Beandork quick! Your brain cell has fallen out !

I think its realised the world is 4 billion years old and decided to bail pout and find new lodgings.

A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney. 
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. 
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair". 
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent." 
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..." 
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?" 
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

Actually thought some of these jokes hilarious. There are of course great kiwi jokes about the Ozzies but i cant do your work for you!

All work is honourable but perhaps some less enjoyable than others.Cloudy.

Beandick if its just cut and paste as per your usual boring shite then its got bugger all to do with making you seem funny eh  ? Its like playing a DVD of the 3 tenors to show what a lovely voice you have.

So beandick and plumdork were shuffling along the street looking for work or even better still someone else to do the work and give them credit for it and maybe some dosh when they see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted "

" pity CC wasnt with us " says the gruesome twosome.

There you go beandick all those jokes without using google a nd cut and paste.

So plumdork and beanbrain were having a wee road trip when they spot a tiny wee man hitch-hiking so they pick him up.

"Thanks" says the wee man " for that I will grant you a share of my pot of gold for you see I am a Leprachaun !!"

"Wow!!" exclaim the gullible gargoyles" thats nice of you !"

"But in order to gain this huge pot of gold you must allow me to have me evil way with you first for nothing is free in this world or mine " says the Leprachaun .

"Ah gee wizz ,um OK I guess "they blather .

So they pull over and the leprachaun climbs atop a handy box with the beandork and plumdork bent over trousers down up against the car while the wee man gives them a tremendous rogering .As he does his bizz with beandork he says to him " So how old are ye two men ? thirty-something .forty ,fifty plus ?" 

" y,y,y,yes something like that" stammers beandork looking morosely at his sex lathered buddy sitting in the gutter.

"And you two still believe in fucking fairies ?" says  the incredulous little person.

Cheers Rooie ,although its a bit like shooting a very stupid fish in a barrel of jelly .

These kbbs make for such great comedy   

beandork have you just tripled your IQ up above ?Did you borrow your besties brain cell ?

WD was confused about why he didn't udnerstand the world.

He walked up a hill as it was said that a wise man lived there and would answer any question in return for a favour.

WD gets to the top of the hill and sees the old man sitting there under a tree. He approaches...

"Excuse me sir, are you the wise man of the mountain?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that you'll answer any question in exchange for a favour?"

"Yes"

"Great, i have a question..."

"Wait." The old man interrupts. "Is that a Kiwi accent i hear?"

"Why yes, Kiwi through and through sir." WD puffs out his chest.

"Fuck off! You've got nothing i want."

Private Plumdork headed of to join the Camel Corps and chase the Fuzzy-wuzzies around the desert.After being shown the barracks and base camp he asks what one does for female "companionship " ,"Why dear boy we use the camels of course !" booms the Seargent Major.

Poor wee Plumdork decides there an then to never do the nasty with a camel no matter how long he was stuck in the desert,besides there was his sweet Nanny-G back home to consider.

6 months later he can stand no more so in the dead of night he steals a step ladder finds one of the better looking camels and mounts up .Hes having a grand old time when the lights go on and the guard rushes out to see what in blazes is going on .

"what are you doing boy ?!" screams the seargent major.

"Just what you told me sir ,Im using one of the camels" says a sex-sweaty and shame faced Plumdork.

"You stupid boy we use the camels to ride into town and visit the brothel !!!"

Good one Mr Blue Bok 

What a sad flap you are.

Ha ha   ha     ha . Very  funny   Cloudy.

But could we all stick to jokes about how weird the kiwis are. Somehow those jokes are sooooo much more funny!

Heard coming from the "Cowpokes Cabins " on Brokeback  Mountain " Goatboy yelling  "suck Beeno suck ,blow is just an expression !!!"

Thats where we are way better than you two little lovebirds ,we never resort to your nasty racist shit eh ?

Poor Goatboy ,realising he is lacking any wit or sagacity resorts to whatever racist crap he can dredge out of its wee pin-head ,even Moz pointed out your wee racist rants,

True Cloudy ,he should thank us for helping him drop the pretense of being a fair ,unbiased non racist non-misogynist .

They do say confession is good for the soul after all and he has shown us who and what he really is .

Kudos Goatboy !