In a perfect world, if you can answer all the following questions you deserve to be flown first class to Dublin to tell the people running the world game how to make it nearly perfect, stopping first in Wellington to help out the All Blacks.
Question One: An easy starter, close to home. What do you do to fix the crazy voting impasse on the board of the Blues, which could just as easily spread to every Super Rugby franchise that has private money involved?
You'd change the voting system to be the same as on every other board in every business, and every sports organisation, in the world? You'd allow majority voting? You'd cancel the loopy idea that decisions have to be unanimous and leave that to juries? Well done.
Question Two: How do you stop scrums collapsing all the damn time?
In New Plymouth during the week I watched New Plymouth Boys' High beat St Pat's Silverstream in an exciting First XV game. Hardly any scrums collapsed.
By a happy coincidence that night I was able to quiz two propping brothers (one from the game, one who has recently played for New Zealand secondary schools) who are related to my wife.
Could the scrums at higher levels become as clean and quick as school scrums? The rules are the same and everyone in the First XV front rows that day weighed at least 100kg. It seemed a fair comparison.
But, as both Reuben and Mitchell O'Neill pointed out, the rest of the scrummagers at Super Rugby level are much bigger and more powerful than any school team. The sheer pressure applied at scrum time meant, they felt, scrums in the professional game may have reached a stage where, despite everyone's best intentions, they teeter on unmanageable.
And while you ponder your solution, let's be clear that "not allowing anyone over 100kg to be a lock" and "make them like league scrums" are not acceptable answers. Good luck.
Question Three: What should the All Blacks do to make sure they don't lose at the World Cup on the whim of a referee?
The most burning tactical question for the All Blacks is whether they continue to try to attack with the ball in hand, or, given that every time a player takes the ball into a break down he's basically buying a refereeing Lotto ticket, they take on the boring, but effective, kick, chase and pressure tactics that yield better positions for penalty and dropped goals.
There were methods used at the breakdown in the northern Six Nations that looked to All Black eyes like cheating. One, where a player flies over the ball then bounces back up by thrusting his arms on the ground, even has a name, trampolining, and hasn't been penalised. Please tell us how the All Blacks get the better of the breakdown without being blown off the park?
Question Four: Would almost all the breakdown issues be solved if players were allowed to ruck with their sprigs? You answered, of course, yes. Too easy. So try this one.
Question Five: How the hell do you get even one parent to allow their kid to play a game where sharp little sprigs sometimes scrape their loved child's back and legs? If you have a sensible reply, you're a genius. I've spoken with All Black coaches and NZRU chairmen, and they can't answer it.
Question Six: Given that defensive skills and tackling techniques have improved out of sight, how do you loosen up defences and allow more tries?
Is a suggestion from left field, advanced by a great former All Black, as brilliant as it is basic? Don't allow tactical replacements so that in the last 20 minutes fatigue starts to play a part and players slip off tackles.
Question Seven: Can anything be done about the fact that every time there's a law change, professional coaches and video analysts all over the world stop sleeping for days on end trying to find ways to subvert the changes?
Finally, if that all feels too gloomy, go on line and look again at some of the dazzling rugby that a Chiefs team, battered and plagued with injuries, still managed to play as they blazed to their win over the Bulls in Rotorua. The Chiefs, as they often do, showed that at its best rugby can still thrill.
- Sunday Star Times
