12th of July 2018 NATO Headquarters Brussels.
A concerned General Stoltenberg hurriedly enters a large private conference room, within it are the heads of all European NATO states and President Justin Tradeau of Canada.
Stoltenberg: Okay guys, quiet down please....quiet down. Guys come on settle down, this is urgent.
A general hush comes over the chamber.
Stoltenberg: Okay guys as you're no are doubt aware Trump is making one hell of an unholy mess out front.
A collective irritated groan can be hard across the chamber.
Stoltenberg: I know, I know but he's really not going let this go. He wants you all to stump up some serious extra cash on defense.
Sanchez: Why are going over this again, we already had an agreement about funding with Obama and I'll be tickled pink if you think I'm going to give into that ignorant idiot Oompa Loompa.
Hear hear comes the collective refrain as if its the House of Commons.
Stoltenberg: Ah come on lads I know he's a clown but he does kinda have a point, even with your previously agreed too commitments NATO could always do with a bit more funding.
Hushed annoyed mummers can be heard.
Stoltenberg: Britain what about you.
May: Well Jen, I'd love too but I kinda wrecked our economy with Brexit so I don't have the fiscal space.
Stoltenberg: Okay what about you France.
Macron: I am French, I do French things.
Stoltenberg: Which is?
Macron: Shrugs shoulders
Much eye rolling occurs across the chamber.
Stoltenberg: Okay moving on...Angela maybe Germany would consid...
Merkel: Nein
Stoltenberg: But perhaps as the biggest...
Merkel: Nein
Stoltenberg: But....
Merkel: I said NEIN!
Stoltenberg: Alright...alright, Jesus.
Stoltenberg: Look there is got to be some of you who can....wait a second...Viktor who you on the phone too?...and why is it on speaker mode?. Are you on to Putin again!!!. TURN THAT OFF NOW!
Orban sheepishly switches his phone off. In the background with a sly smile Erdogan quickly puts his mobile out of sight.
Stoltenberg: For crying out loud. Lads this serious. Surely someone of you can afford to pay more. Poland what about you?
Before Duda can speak...an Italian voice is heard.
Conte: Sorry to interrupt Jen, but I've spoken to the rest of the chamber in the background here and I think I can save us all a bit of time by speaking for all of us.
Stoltenberg: You found some countries willing to increase their defense spending?
Conte: No we just want you to tell Trump to f**k off.
Great howls of approving laughter and giggling flood the chamber in addition to much table thumping occur.
Stoltenberg becomes visibly red and enraged and in a fit of rage flips over his table.
A visibly stunned chamber instantly quietens down.
Stoltenberg: (in agitated and scolding voice) . Guys this is deadly serious. Trump is threatening to pull out of NATO. The man's an absolute wrecking ball. He's just dumb and crazy enough that he might actually do it, and then where will you be...paying for the entirety of your own defense, that's where!...is that what you want!!!
Such silence filled the chamber you could hear a pin drop.
Stoltenberg: (in a somewhat exasperated tone ) Guys looks, I understand you don't have the money to pony up and I know giving into a man so obnoxious is pretty unpalatable but we gotta give the guy a win somewhere. Anything just to get him to calm down and stop trashing the place. So think guys, think really careful we gotta come up with something.
Much hushed and hurried discussion goes on in the chamber but the minutes tick buy without anyone speaking up.
Stoltenberg: President Trudeau, did you say something. Speak up please.
Tradeau: Oh em...(pointing to his foot) I'm wearing nice socks. Look they have a little maple leaf on them.
Stoltenberg: Thanks Justin...that's very helpful. (for f**ks sake he mumbles in quiet voice)
Another few moments pass, before a thought pops in Stoltenberg pops into his mind...he thinks "nay that couldn't possible work"...but thinking on it a bit more a grin starts to develop on his face but he immediately hides it.
Stoltenberg: Say guys, what where you together planning on increasing defense spending by next year anyway.
Conte: Well just doing a very brief checking of the sums. Around about $11.5 billion dollars next year, give or take a few million. Why?
Stotlenberg: Well, I'm thinking we could just tell Trump you have agreed to increase your defense spending by $11.5 billion and tell him that's he responsible for it.
Loud delirious and derisive laughter fill the chamber that continues for what seemed like an entirety but eventually subsides though some struggle to contain the giggles.
Macron: Look I know Trump is stupid.... but he's not that stupid,
Marcon and the chamber erupt into laughter once more.
Stoltenberg stares back silently, pokerfaced.
Eventually the laughter subsides.
Macron: I mean come on, surely he's not that stupid.
Again laughter rings out but a bit less than before.
Stoltenberg remains emotionless.
But gradually as the laughter subsides everyone finds themselves looking at each in other in silence as a collective epiphany hits every person in the chamber. And then at once they all turn to face Stoltenberg.
Stoltenberg cracks the faintest of smiles and says, "Shall we give it a go lads?"
15 minutes later:
Stoltenberg: President Trump never in all my years have I meet such a capable negotiator, you might quite possibly be the greatest negotiator who has ever graced these halls. I mean the vision, the clarity of purpose, extremely tough yet fair, but above all the sheer genius of your arguments, their utterly irrefutable.
Trump: Thank you, thank you, very kind of you General. I have to say you really are top top General, one of the best I've ever met. In fact I've never met a man who understands the military as well as you do...other than myself, because I know a lot about the military and windmills. But tell me have those free riders agreed to my demands.
Stoltenberg: Yes Mr President, when I stressed how serious you where about pulling out of NATO and the validity of your arguments they couldn't get the cheque book out quickly enough. I thought we might get an extra billion out of them, two at most, but can you believe this, their going stump up an extra $11.5 billion. All down to your extraordinary negotiating skills.
Trump: Well you see Jen,I can call you Jen right... that's what a great business man like me can achieve. Have you ever watched me on the apprentice? I was really good on that. But I have to say sometimes I surprise even myself with how good I am.
30 minutes later.
Tump addresses the world media:
Trump: Ladies and gentlemen, Its I...Donald J Trump..the greatest President since Abe Linocln... and I would like to announce the following... I have made NATO great again.
Meanwhile back in the private conference room
Everyone in the entire stares at the screen and collectively they all speak the very same words "No f**king way!" in stunned disbelief!
Soltenberg, Smiling to himself thinks back to the episode of the Simpson when Springfield gets a monorail and Lenord Nimoy's line..."my work here is done!"
Meanwhile back in America: Trump supporters hearing Trumps announcement on TV start chanting USA, USA. Finally they think Trump has got NATO sorted, he made NATO great again.
Also Trump supporters in 2022: It's NATO's fault that Russian invaded Ukraine!