Vice President JD Vance speaks in Athens, Ga., April 14. GAGE SKIDMORE/ZUMA PRESS
“I think it’s very, very important for the pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology”—Vice President JD Vance, April 14.
“President Trump will participate in a marathon reading of the bible on Tuesday”—New York Times, April 18.
***And it came to pass at that time that a man named Donald came forth from the land of Queens, across the great East River from the city they called the New Jerusalem.
Now this Trumpite was a master builder and a skilled storyteller, but he was not at first a man of God. He built vast temples to Mammon, some of which, heavy with debt, collapsed in a heap. He had lain with many women, numbering more than his wives. It was even said that he had kept company with a man from Sodom known as Epstein the Onanite.
But Donald was anointed by God to lead the Chosen People out of the slavery into which they had fallen under the wicked rule of the house of the Democrats.
They were led by a man named Obama. Obama was a false prophet. He came out of Africa and had spent years in the wildernesses of the East and the West. He was silver-tongued and worshipped by the Scribes, who falsely proclaimed him the Messiah. But he visited many torments on the people: affordable care, emissions rules, and restrictions on their lending practices. God’s wrath was upon him. So when the Obamaites anointed the wife of a former prophet, the woman known as Hillary, as their next leader, the people rebelled.
Though he faced a vast alliance of the elect, Donald smote Hillary and her cohorts in battle after battle, and with a single blast of his trumpet brought down the Blue Wall of the Middle West, their great fortress.
For four years he ruled the people with justice and goodness. He smote all the tribes of the enemy—the Obamaites and the Clintonians, the Wokeites, the fake Scribes and the RINOs and the spies of the deep state. He brought great prosperity throughout the land as he freed his people from burdensome taxes and onerous rules.
But in the fourth year of his reign, God sent forth a great plague to test the people and the people were sore afraid. They listened not to the voice of their leader and fell among themselves with protest and rioting—even if it was “mostly peaceful.”
In the affray, the Democrats seized their chance to destroy the prophet. Led by the ancient Joseph, a priest from the family of Biden, who at 935 years old was a cousin of Methuselah. The Bidenites stole the battle from the Trumpites with much chicanery and cheating and then, having wickedly deposed him, they set about to crush Donald. They tore into him with false claims and calumnies and writs against him. But the Trumpite was courageous and yielded not to their persecutions.
And so it happened that, before long, Biden had grown so old that his priests could no longer even keep his eyes open to sign orders. So the tribe of the Democrats brought forth another woman, this one called Kam-ala, and they said: “You’re out, Joe; this is the anointed one to continue our work.” But Kam-ala was weak-minded and had a laugh like a donkey that grievously alarmed the people. And so in a final battle, the Trumpites again prevailed, smiting Kam-ala.
Now Donald ruled with ever greater strength and virtue. He closed the border to the illegal aliens, banished wrongdoers from the land, ended crime, punished foreign enemies with taxes on their oxen and wines, drove out the usurers from the central bank, and made the country great again, though there was still ungrateful complaining from the Scribes and the Pharisees about “affordability” and “the Constitution.”
And so, having brought peace and prosperity to the Chosen People, Donald decreed that the whole world would be brought to the same place. He slew evil rulers from West to East. Yet even as he pulled down the wicked from their thrones, he was also a peacemaker who ended eight wars (though the sanctimonious, arrogant Judges of Nobel of the frozen North refused to recognize his greatness and gave their stupid prize to someone else).
At last, with the sons of Israel, he turned his might on the Persians, the enemy who had caused great suffering. And he smote them in their own homes. When they closed the great waterway between their land and the land of the Ishmaelites, the Trumpite stood athwart the strait and ordered the waters to open, and lo! they were opened. There was much rejoicing and the oil was able to flow once more and prices returned almost to where they had been before the strait was closed.
Not all believed in the greatness of the man and some sought to sow doubts among the people. The leader of the Romans, a man named Leo, who was weak on crime and probably an Obamaite, understood not the truth nor any of the meanings of God’s words and he spoke many calumnies against him.
That is why I, JD, am here to bear witness and explain it so that all—yes, even the Romans, will come to acknowledge the truth