Bernie's Idea about Walls
At a special campaign appearance abroad in Berlin, Bernie made waves with
an ambitious new campaign promise to rebuild the Berlin Wall.
“We are opposed to some aspects of the Berlin Wall, but, you know, it’s simply
unfair to say everything was bad,” Sanders said before a screaming throng of
Bernie bros. “Barbed wire and machine guns? Maybe not so good. But it was a
beautiful wall made of smooth concrete that was quite lovely. Most importantly,
it kept out fascists. That’s a GOOD thing.”
At the announcement, the crowd threw their soy lattes in the air and erupted in
a rapturous chant of "????????? ??? ?????!" which is roughly
translated as “build that wall!” Sanders looked out on a sea of hope-filled
faces, giddy over the prospect of restoring the majestic landmark built by the
German Democratic Republic.
The cheering intensified as Bernie promised that not only will he build the
wall, but that he will make Trump voters pay for it. Sanders also outlined
plans to build walls around any American state that doesn’t support the
glorious socialist revolution.
Current estimates say that construction of the wall will provide 2 million
shovel-ready jobs and cost approximately 382 billion dollars per mile. Workers
tasked with building the wall will be given a generous 30 days pay upfront, to
match the 30-day life expectancy of each worker,
Bernie and Castro
After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba's totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate's loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience the Communist island's renowned literacy programs, medical care, and other social services.
Desperate refugees clung to anything that would float as they attempted to
sail across the Gulf and get to the idyllic paradise of Cuba.
"We just have to get over there," said one "Bernie Bro" as he fashioned a raft out of discarded plastic straws. "I for one want to experience Cuba's literacy program so I can finally read a book. And I've heard that their healthcare is the best in the world, as long as you're among the elite. Which, I'm sure I'll be accepted as the elite and not one of the peasants, since I'm from a wealthy, capitalist nation like America."
The Bernie Bro feared
he had made a mistake as his iPhone dropped out of cell range a few hundred
feet from shore, but it was too late to turn back.
Sadly, once the Bernie supporters had gone through Cuba's literacy
program, they were able to read a history book and learn how bad socialism is,
so they were forced to cobble together rafts to come back to America.
Bernie and Mao
Presidential candidate and Senator Bernie Sanders offered words of praise for China's successful reduction of poverty in many parts of the country by killing off all the poor people through government control of the economy.
Sanders pointed out that the country has been very successful in eliminating vast swathes of poverty and also the poor.
"America still has a lot of poor people, and that's because we haven't been aggressive in implementing socialist programs that cause mass starvation," Sanders said, his fingers flopping around like ten tiny wacky inflatable tube men. "Firing squads, death camps, breadlines---all of these are humanitarian tools in the arsenal of the government to shoot poverty in the face, and sometimes also the poor in the face, when it's necessary."
The senator also pointed out that poor people, who often own fewer than three homes, don't contribute much to a socialist economy and "not much is lost" when these single-home-owners are shot or simply starve to death as the government can't even figure out how to get food to everyone, a problem even bad fast-food restaurants like McDonald's solved decades ago.
Bernie honouring his heroes
After another long few weeks out on the campaign trail, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders finally got a few minutes to take a break at one of his three homes.
This particular home, his quaint, $600,000 lakeside mansion, has one of Sanders' favorite rooms in all of his homes: a "Hall of Dictators," where he hangs portraits of his favorite totalitarian despots.
"Hello there, fellas," Sanders said as he closed the door behind him. "I hope I'm doin' you proud, guys."
Sanders walked up to one portrait and began to caress the face of Fidel Castro. "Fidel, I'm sorry they've been saying mean things about you," Sanders whispered, tears welling up in his elderly eyes. "Don't you listen to them. No, siree. One day, I'll be vindicated, once I'm in power and we flush your human rights abuses down the memory hole."
"Joe," he said, smiling as he moved on to the next portrait. "Joe, Joe, Joe. You wouldn't believe how much flak I've taken for praising your regime. But they'll see. They'll all see, or it's the gulag for them."
The ancient socialist then meandered over to one of his favorite portraits, that of Chairman Mao. "Mao! How are you, my good friend?" Sanders went on at length about how great the dictator was and how much he did to end extreme poverty in his nation.
Having been refreshed from his time in the Hall of Dictators, Sanders moved into the next chamber, which is just a big vault filled with cash that he dives into from time to time.