Washington, D.C. — As the United States prepares to celebrate its 250th anniversary, officials are making final arrangements for what is expected to be a spectacular display of patriotism, fireworks and carefully choreographed opportunities for Donald Trump to explain how the nation's greatest achievements were all somehow his idea.
Although America declared independence in 1776—roughly 170 years before Trump's birth—sources close to the White House say the President is expected to remind audiences that "things weren't really that great until I showed up."
Preparations reportedly include a military parade, live performances, historical tributes, and a teleprompter capable of surviving repeated detours into stories about crowd sizes, golf championships and "the perfect phone call."
Insiders say Trump is likely to describe the celebration as "the biggest birthday party ever held by any country," while dismissing any photographs suggesting otherwise as the work of "fake cameras."
Historians have been placed on standby to correct factual inaccuracies, although many admitted they stopped trying sometime around 2017.
Economic advisers are also preparing briefing notes in anticipation of Trump's expected claim that tariffs simultaneously lower prices, increase government revenue, strengthen domestic industry, hurt only foreign countries, and somehow cost American consumers absolutely nothing.
Several economists confirmed they have already updated their CVs.
The event's organisers have reportedly considered including a "Fact Check" section during the speech but abandoned the idea after calculating it would extend proceedings by approximately six hours.
Meanwhile, engineers have confirmed that the fireworks display has been designed to withstand repeated declarations that it is "the greatest explosion anyone has ever seen."
In a symbolic nod to American democracy, guests are expected to celebrate 250 years of constitutional government before immediately returning to arguing about whether objective reality still exists.
Early rehearsals suggest the loudest applause may come when Trump congratulates himself for achievements ranging from defeating inflation to inventing common sense and personally discovering patriotism.
George Washington was unavailable for comment, although historians agreed he would probably have a few questions.